Happy Hebrew Birthday to me...

McSweeney's Issue 22 is on its way to subscribers and is now available on our site. This issue includes our most contributors ever and our strongest magnets ever.

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COOKIE MONSTER
SEARCHES DEEP WITHIN
HIMSELF AND ASKS: IS ME
REALLY MONSTER?
BY ANDY F. BRYAN

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Me know. Me have problem.

Me love cookies. Me tend to get out of control when me see cookies. Me know it not natural to react so strongly to cookies, but me have weakness. Me know me do wrong. Me know it isn't normal. Me see disapproving looks. Me see stares. Me hurt inside.

When me get back to apartment, after cookie binge, me can't stand looking in mirror—fur matted with chocolate-chip smears and infested with crumbs. Me try but me never able to wash all of them out. Me don't think me is monster. Me just furry blue person who love cookies too much. Me no ask for it. Me just born that way.

Me was thinking and me just don't get it. Why is me a monster? No one else called monster on Sesame Street. Well, no one who isn't really monster. Two-Headed Monster have two heads, so he real monster. Herry Monster strong and look angry, so he probably real monster, too. But is me really monster?

Me thinks me have serious problem. Me thinks me addicted. But since when it acceptable to call addict monster? It affliction. It disease. It burden. But does it make me monster?

How can they be so callous? Me know there something wrong with me, but who in Sesame Street doesn't suffer from mental disease or psychological disorder? They don't call the vampire with math fetish monster, and me pretty sure he undead and drinks blood. No one calls Grover monster, despite frequent delusional episodes and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. And the obnoxious red Grover—oh, what his name?—Elmo! Yes, Elmo live all day in imaginary world and no one call him monster. No, they think he cute. And Big Bird! Don't get me started on Big Bird! He unnaturally gigantic talking canary! How is that not monster? Snuffleupagus not supposed to exist—woolly mammoths extinct. His very existence monstrous. Me least like monster. Me maybe have unhealthy obsession, but me no monster.

No. Me wrong. Me too hard on self. Me no have unhealthy obsession. Me love cookies, but it no hurt anyone. Me just enthusiast. Everyone has something they like most, something they get excited about. Why not me? Me perfectly normal. Me like cookies. So what? Cookies delicious. Cookies do not make one monster. Everyone loves cookies.

Me no monster. Me OK guy. Me OK guy who eat cookies.

Who me kidding? Me know me never actually eat cookies. Me only crumble cookies in mouth, but me no swallow. Me can't swallow. Me no have no esophagus. Me no have no trachea. Me only have black fabric throat. Me not supposed to be able to even talk.

Me no eat cookies.

Me destroy cookies.

Me crush cookies.

Me mutilate cookies.

Me make it so no one get cookies.

Everyone right. Me really is cookie monster.

I don't think my ceiling was really fixed, I think they just painted over everything to make it look fixed because there are still bumps and dents up there where the ceiling swelled or plaster fell down. It kind of sucks that way.

I don't know why I am so tired but I am and tiredness makes me more cranky than I mean to be so if I was cranky or mean to you please forgive me. Hopefully all will be good by this weekend when we will celebrate Purim and spend time with friends and hopefully not have to think about other stuff...

I don't know why I assigned a paper because then I will just have to read them all, but it is due tomorrow and kids are emailing me like mad. Think of leaving things to last minute. I understand though because I do the same thing.

Tired...so tired...and my landlord is not answering my calls. Which makes me unhappy. But otherwise everything else is ok..I guess. :)
I am going to think up a positive for today....

I will get the bad things of today out first:
Monday's are INSANE. I could not sleep last night and had to get up early and the day was crazy. First we found out that one of my student's fathers suddenly passed away. I also turned my hands green with food coloring. Like Kermitt the frog green. I had a long day because I had a meeting after school and didn't really get to say anything at the meeting which is somewhat frustrating because the whole point is to share what's going on with students. After the meeting, I tutored a former student of mine and did a lab with him. Then I went to grocery shop, cooked etc. When I went into my room to get something from my bed and realized that once again there was plaster on my bed.
So this is the state of my ceiling right now...not so fun.
Pretty isn't it?
So good stuff of my day. Despite having 12 kids in my first class and my labs not set up on time the teaching stuff went pretty well! I also grilled awesome chicken for dinner. :) Hey that's a positive right? The other thing is my birthday is the 20th Anniversay of U2's Joshua Tree Album - my favorite.

The Purim thing really was not all that great...actually it was boring. I was all wired up to go do something tonight..so basically I think I am boring myself to sleep right now. I did figure out that on Thursday it is my hebrew birthday which is the 11 th of Adar I believe, which, by the way the calender falls out is also Taanit Esther. I thought that was interesting. I am trying to solidify some plans for the weekend. I have a friend coming in from out of town who is going to come to lunch by us on Saturday but as far as other plans...they are a bit murky right now, but then again it is only Monday. I can not believe March is almost upon us.

This is why I say my Dad is the Jewish Santa...I say it out of love.

I am in my apartment dressed like a freak from the 80s waiting for the pet to come by so we can go to a party. I thought she was coming like a half hour ago but she is jet-lagged so I think she is a little confused. Little does she know I have a little surprise for her costume...